I show him a few of the sonograms I had saved into my phone before I move onto newborn pictures. I have all her photos organized in my phone in different albums by year, so I let him take it and flick through them. He zooms in from time to time, studying her little face as it grows and changes. Laughing when her bald head gains one tuft of blonde hair that I insisted on putting a bow in. I watch her grow up through the photos alongside him, but I know it抯 so different from actually watching her turn from a baby to a toddler and into a child.
揝he抯 perfect.?He smiles lovingly at a photo of her on her first day of kindergarten this past August. 揝he looks like you.?
揕ike you, too.?I don抰 know how it happened, but I抳e ended up with my head resting on his shoulder. 揝he抯 the perfect mix of both of us.?
揝eda,?he says her name softly, carefully, rolling it over in his mouth to test the sound. 揟hat抯 an unusual name. Is it a family name of yours??
I shake my head slightly since I抦 still resting against his bare arm. 揘o. I wanted to honor Forrest. I wasn抰 really sure at first how I was going to go about it, but one day when I was searching for names Seda came up, and I loved how it sounded. Then when I read what it meant it felt like maybe Forrest was giving me a nudge in the right direction.?
揥hat does it mean??He抯 still looking at the last photo he stopped on. She抯 on her princess bike with a hot pink helmet. Caleb is running behind her since she was nervous with no training wheels.
揑t means spirit of the forest.?
Goosebumps pop up on his arms. 揥hoa. Wow.?He shakes his head, rubbing a hand over his mouth. 揟hat抯 ?wow.?
揑 know it抯 unique, but I knew then that it was supposed to be her name.?
揧ou said she knows about me, about Forrest??
揝he doesn抰 know you specifically, but she抯 aware that while Caleb抯 raised her and he抯 her dad, that she has another dad too because she抯 doubly special.?He smiles at that. 揙nly Caleb and Lauren know you抮e her biological father. To everyone else I decided it was best if I just said it was a one-night-stand.?
揟hat ashamed of me, huh??He says it in a joking tone, but I can see in his eyes that he believes that might be a little bit of the reason why.
揑t just seemed easier. I was still heartbroken and convinced you never wanted to see me again. I guess just being young and stupid I decided on that course. If I could do it over again棓
揕ife doesn抰 have do overs,?he says gently. His big palm comes over my knee and he gives it a squeeze. 揥e all make choices in moments that we might come to regret. There抯 no point wasting time in the here and now dwelling on it. Life抯 too short, too precious, for that. Forrest taught me that.?He touches his fingers gently to the side of my face. A soft sigh escapes my parted lips at the caress. 揑t doesn抰 mean it doesn抰 hurt, knowing you didn抰 tell me. It抯 fucking painful. But I can抰 change either of the decisions we made. That抯 why I choose to go from here. From this moment.?He holds my gaze, my heart beating rapidly in my chest. 揧ou know, after you got married, I didn抰 think we抎 have another chance, but we do. In all the time we抳e been apart, what I feel for you has never lessened, and that ?it was honestly fucking terrifying at times梤ealizing I was never going to get over you and have to figure out how to live life without you. Now that you抮e back here, now that I know we have a child together, I抦 not throwing this second chance away. I抎 be a fool to do such a thing when I抳e begged the universe to give me another chance with you.?He clears his throat, eyes clouded with barely withheld emotion. 揑 lost Forrest in a way that there抯 no getting him back, but I lost you too in the process, but you抮e something I can fight to get back.?He grabs a piece of my hair, gently tucking it behind my ear and letting his fingers skim my cheek. 揑f you want me back. You can tell me to get lost any time, Salem, and I will. I know it抯 been a long time and you might not feel the same way棓
I press a hand over his mouth, silencing him. 揥hen you asked me to date you, I said yes because I want that.?
I feel him smile against my hand. 揋ood.?His voice is muffled by my hand, so I let it drop. He looks back at my phone, but the screen has gone black. I quickly unlock it and pass it back to him. 揥hen can I meet her??
揥henever you want. I just have to arrange it with Caleb.?
揑 want to meet her soon. But I don抰 want to scare her. I know you said she knows she has another dad, but that doesn抰 mean she knows me.?
揑 think she抣l handle it better than you抮e expecting. She抯 a smart kid.?
揅an you send me some pictures??
揑抣l get them all to you.?I lean against the back of the couch, watching him look at her. 揑 should抳e tried harder.?
Slowly, he looks away from the photo. 揑 gave you no reason to. You were protecting yourself and protecting her from what you thought I could be. And let抯 face it, Salem, I could抳e reached out to you sooner than I had wanted to. But I didn抰。 We抳e both made a lot of mistakes and we can sit here and continue to rehash them, but it doesn抰 change anything. I just want to move forward.?
揑 want that too.?
揋ood.?He passes my phone back to me. 揘ow are you ever going to reply to my text??
揙h, right.?I quickly bring up my text messages and type out a reply. His phone buzzes in his pocket.
With a grin, he pulls it out and nods at my response. 揝ee you tomorrow.?
He leads me to the door, opening it and waiting for me to step onto the front porch. The rain has lessened, mostly a drizzle now. I pause, turning back to look at him in the doorway of his home.
A moment passes between us, a thousand words said without a single spoken aloud.
A second chance, he said before, but do we really deserve one?
Selfishly, a little voice in my head whispers, I hope so.
CHAPTER 21
THAYER
I can抰 go back to sleep, not with this news dropped on me.
Salem went home about an hour ago and I抳e been in the basement ever since.
My fist slams into the bag over and over again, alternating left then right.
I抦 drenched in sweat, like I can exile all my thoughts and demons.
I have a daughter.
I have a child with Salem.
We ?we made a baby.
And she never fucking told me.
Over and over again I slam my fist into the bag. Tears mingle with my sweat and I wipe at the dampness on my face.
I keep picturing that little girl抯 face in my mind.
Her eyes are brown, just like mine.
I wish so badly I could抳e been there, for Salem, for my daughter.
I didn抰 get to see Salem grow round with our child, or give birth, or get to be there for any of Seda抯 milestones. It wasn抰 a lie when I told her I didn抰 want to dwell on the mistakes of our past, because it抯 true, I want to move on and start fresh, but I need this fucking moment to wallow.
Both of us made mistakes and horrible choices, not just her. I know I抦 equally at fault for this outcome and I抦 just as mad at myself for it as I am her.
I抦 going to let myself feel that梩he anger梐nd then move the fuck on.
When I抳e exhausted myself, I trudge upstairs to my room and take an extra-long shower. It抯 still early when I get out so I lay across my bed and check my phone. Salem抯 sent me albums of photos to download.
I look through them slowly, picking apart details and learning everything I can about my daughter. Like how she must love all colors, but especially pink. How she likes to dress up as a princess and have tea parties but also likes to run around outside in the rain, getting covered in mud. There are photos of her in a ballet tutu. I wonder if she takes lessons or she was only playing dress up.