揊orrest抯 birthday that year.?
I sit back in the rocker, stunned. 揥ow. I wasn抰 expecting this.?
揑 never told him about Seda or that I suspected she was his. It wasn抰 my secret to tell.?
揑 told him. He knows now. He wants to meet her.?I run my fingers through my hair, trying to gather my breath. 揑 really made a clusterfuck of things, didn抰 I??
She doesn抰 say anything for a moment, so long in fact that I think maybe she抯 not going to say anything at all. But then she says, 揥e all make messes, Salem. It抯 how we deal with them that matters.?
I lower my head. 揑抦 trying to make things right.?
揧ou抣l get there, my girl.?She rubs my hand, trying to soothe me. She抯 the one dying, but she抯 comforting me, because even now she can抰 stop being a mother. 揑 believe in you.?She grows quiet after a while and I think she might doze off, so it surprises me when she speaks again. 揑 know we don抰 talk about what your father did, but trauma like that lingers. For you, for me, for Georgia. It affects your mind and choices you make. I don抰 think it抯 something therapy can fully erase. That means, sometimes, you抮e not going to handle things the way a normal person would. Trauma is deep-rooted and sometimes we don抰 even realize how it抯 influencing us.?
揑 never thought about it like that.?
揓ust don抰 let it affect you too much. I see the way that man looks at you and you look at him. A love like that ?it doesn抰 come around again. You deserve to be happy. Let yourself have that梑ecause that抯 another effect of trauma.?
揥hat is??
She looks down sadly and I think she might be thinking of herself. 揝elf-sabotage. Thinking you don抰 deserve certain things because you抮e dirty, tainted.?
揗om.?My heart breaks for the woman at my side, who dealt with a bastard like my father and now sits at the end of her life much too soon.
She sniffles, her eyes watery. 揇on抰 worry about me, baby girl. But when I抦 gone, promise me you抣l remember the things I say.?
揑 promise.?My voice is soft, barely audible. It抯 like my voice has fled me. I hate talking about this, the inevitably of her death. But it抯 here. Staring all of us in the face.
You have to be strong, I tell myself.
I抦 tired of it, though, always being the one who has to keep myself together.
Eventually, we all have to break.
CHAPTER 25
SALEM
My nerves are at an all-time high when Caleb抯 Mercedes pulls into the driveway. I抳e had a whole week to prepare for this moment, even made a drive back to Boston to explain in person to Seda that she was finally going to meet her father.
揂nd my brother too??She had asked me, and I promised to take her to his grave so she could say hello.
揗y hands are sweating,?I whisper to my mom at my side on the front porch.
揗ine would be too.?
揗ommy!?Seda rolls down her window and waves.
I smile despite my nerves. That girl can quiet every ridiculous thought in my head. I talked to Lauren on FaceTime for over two hours last night while she tried to calm me down through intermittent fits of laughter. I warned her if she didn抰 stop laughing at me, I wouldn抰 be her maid of honor for her wedding in a few months. She only laughed harder since we both knew it was an empty threat.
Seda unbuckles her seatbelt, launching herself out of the car and into my arms before I can reach her.
揟here抯 my girl.?I wrap her tight in my arms, inhaling the scent of her kid shampoo.
揇addy said this is where you grew up. He said you both used to sit on the roof.?
揥e did.?I tweak her nose playfully. 揃ut don抰 think I抦 going to let you sit on it.?
She giggles, spinning in a circle. 揇addy! Show me the roof!?
Caleb comes around the side of the car, tucking his phone in the pocket of his pants. He gives me a small smile, ruffling Seda抯 hair. 揝he wanted to hear all about us when we were teenagers the whole drive,?he explains. 揑t抯 right there, sweetie.?He points out the spot on the roof to her and she smiles.
揟hat抯 so cool. I wish I could do that.?
揂nd give me a heart attack??I counter. 揑 don抰 think so.?
Behind me in her chair on the porch my mom laughs. 揚ayback,?she says loud enough for me to hear.
Caleb scoops Seda into his arms, her eyes round and big as she continues to look around. 揥hoa, Mommy! Look! That house has a treehouse!?She points out the structure in Thayer抯 backyard. 揟hat抯 so cool. Do you think I could play in it??
Caleb抯 eyes meet mine, but he says nothing.
揑抦 sure we can ask.?I brush my fingers through her blonde hair.
I抳e waited for this day for a long time, for her to meet Thayer, for him to meet her. I always knew it was inevitable and as much as it terrified me, I looked forward to it too. And now that day has come.
揇o you need to use the potty??Caleb asks her, setting her back on her feet.
揘o, Daddy.?She rolls her eyes with a huff. 揑 peed before we left and I don抰 have to do number two either, so don抰 ask.?
My mom cackles. 揑 hope you two are ready for the teen years with her.?
Caleb salutes her jokingly. 揟hanks for the vote of confidence, Allison.?
Seda starts up the front porch to my mom, hugging her tightly. 揌i, Grandma. I missed you. Did you make cupcakes??
We all laugh, because of course Seda has sweets on the brain. 揧our mom and I might抳e made some.?She winks at her granddaughter. 揥hy don抰 we go get one??She starts to get up, struggling a bit. I move to help her, but she waves me off. She heads inside with Seda, Caleb and I watching them go.
揝he doesn抰 look good,?he says mournfully beside me. 揝he already looks way worse than when you guys visited.?
揑 know.?
He can hear the raw pain in my voice and quickly wraps his arms around me, rubbing his hands up and down my back. 揑抦 sorry, Salem.?He rests his chin on top of my head. 揑 wish I could make this better.?
揑 have to enjoy what time I have left.?It抯 a shitty fact, and the worst part is every day my mom is in more pain. I抦 not sure there抯 any joy in her final days for her at all.
揑抦 going to head over to my parents. I don抰 want to be in the way for this.?
揧ou抮e not in the way.?I step back from his embrace. 揑抦 not going to send you away either. If you want to be here you can stay.?
He shakes his head. Clearing his throat, he says, 揑 think it抣l be better for me if I抦 not.?
揂ll right.?I won抰 push him to do anything he抯 not comfortable with. As long as he knows I抦 not pushing him away from Seda, that抯 all that matters.
揌ey.?
We both turn at the sound of Thayer抯 deep voice. He stands at the end of the driveway. His hands are in his pockets, eyes watching us curiously. But he doesn抰 look jealous or irritated seeing me standing so close to Caleb.
揝he抯 inside,?I tell him. 揅aleb抯 getting ready to leave.?
揑抦 glad I caught you then.?He walks closer, stopping in front of my ex-husband.
Caleb gives me a curious look and I shrug, because I truly don抰 know what抯 going on.
Thayer holds out a hand to Caleb. My ex eyes it warily, like a snake he抯 not quite sure is poisonous or not. He looks back at me, gauging my reaction. With a sigh, he takes the offered hand and I think we抮e both more than a little shocked when he pulls Caleb into a hug.
揟hank you,?Thayer says, an overwhelming amount of emotion in those two words. 揟hank you for taking care of them.?
揑 didn抰 do it for you,?Caleb responds, not in offense but more as a statement梐 reminder that he did it for us.