I close my eyes and inhale the burning air, letting it fill and sting my lungs. “I hurt her just as much. Don’t you understand by now?” I whisper, opening my eyes back up. “We get one life. One chance. One opportunity to live. Why should I spend that in more pain than I already do? Anybody can hurt me, but if I choose not to let them I can find some solace in what life has given me. It’s not much, but it’s something.”
For a split second, I see awe in his features. It disappears in a blink of an eye, but it was there. It gives me hope that I’m breaking through, like maybe he’s starting to get it.
“Why did you come here last night?” I ask before he can say anything.
His brows furrow.
I elaborate. “There must be a reason. You could have gone anywhere, right? To a friend’s house or something. You chose to come here.”
His eyes go back to his father’s grave, contemplating his answer. I think he trains his focus on the chipped edges from weathered wear, because they don’t move from that area once. “You find solace in the living. I find it in the dead. Like I said, he can’t judge me when I come here. It doesn’t matter how much of an asshole I am, it’s just me and my dad when I visit.”
Is that an apology? In his own freakish way, I think it is. Not that I’ll squander the moment by asking, because something tells me he’ll deny it.
I fight off a smile. “And what did you and your dad talk about?”
He doesn’t look at me. “You mentioned a while ago that watching people suffer from disease is tough. You weren’t just talking about my dad or your sister, were you?”
Slowly, I shake my head. “For the record, Cam was wrong when she said it wasn’t any of your concern. I moved into your home, your old bedroom, so I made it your business.”
His tongue clicks. “Your sister died from what you have…”
I hear his unspoken question. “Any of us could die tomorrow, Kaiden. People die all the time. Does that mean I’m going to die from lupus? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.”
His eyes narrow. “Lupus? That’s what you have?”
I nod.
“And there’s no answers?”
“Regarding my mortality?”
He grumbles.
Trying to give him a reassuring smile doesn’t seem to work because it probably ends up looking more sad than anything. “You want to know a secret? Sometimes I would think about how I’d be better off dead. I wouldn’t hurt Mama anymore or be in pain and I could be with Lo. I won’t lie, Kaiden. Things were really bad for a while. I was hospitalized for days, sometimes weeks at a time. I go through depressive stages when I’m at my worst because I have to accept my body is failing me. It’s…” Not knowing what else to do, I shrug. “I’ve never told anybody that before.”
He visibly swallows hard. “Do you still think that?”
Do I? I have my moments where I want to escape it all. I used to think they were moments of weakness, but I think they were just moments of humanity. We all want peace, salvation. Lo got peace. Kaiden’s dad got peace. Why not me? Am I deserving of all this suffering?
“No,” I answer carefully. “I think things happen for a reason. The medicine I’m on helps the inflammation, which can be the biggest problem. It’s about balance. Eating right, finding ways to stay active, and remembering not to overdo it.”
He puts his hand to the top of his father’s grave. “Do you think he was afraid?”
No elaboration is needed. “I think when he got to a certain point, fear eluded him.”
“Like he welcomed death?”
I shake my head, stepping closer to him and putting my hand on his arm. “Welcomed relief, Kaiden.”
Before he can say anything else, my phone goes off in my pocket. When I pull it out, Cam’s name flashes across the screen. Answering it, I step away and give Kaiden time with his father.
Her bubbly voice greets me. “You’ve got a spot to see a neurologist today at one o’clock. I’m leaving work early to go with you, okay? Your dad offered, but I thought it’d be easier since I already know him. Dr. Aberdeen is a good man. He’ll help you.”
Dad offered to leave work for me?
I glance at Kaiden as he speaks in murmurs to his father’s gravestone. Clearing my throat and turning my back to him for privacy, I say, “I appreciate that, Cam.”
“You’re welcome, sweetie. I’ll pick you up at the house okay? I can call the school and get them to allow you to go—”
“Uh, that won’t be necessary.”
There’s a pause. “You’re not at school?”
My lips twitch. “I’m sort of at the cemetery with Kaiden. He’s…he’s at Adam’s stone right now. I think he needed it after what happened last night. He loves him a lot.”
This time when she answers, her tone is lighter than before. “He’s not the only one.”
Not sure what she means, I tell her I’ll see her later before ending the call. Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I walk back over to Kaiden.
“Do you mind if we go? I’m a bit cold.”
He gives me a single nod before guiding us over to the car. After getting in and thawing out, he turns to me. “I never bring anyone here.”
Huh?
He’s not the only one…
I thought maybe Cam meant she loved Adam too. It makes sense, since he’s the father of her only child. But maybe…maybe she meant Kaiden loved someone else.
But she couldn’t mean me.
Right?
Chapter Thirty-One
For the first time in months, I feel human. It’s so foreign that I cry. Not because I’m in pain, but because I don’t remember what it’s like not to be.
Dr. Aberdeen and my rheumatologist theorized that the medication I was on for my inflammation was causing the migraines. Between switching to a different prescription that still helps combat my symptoms, on top of an additional new pill to ease any oncoming headaches, I’m a new person.
To celebrate, Kaiden surprises me by driving us to a small restaurant after school on Friday. It’s much homier than Le Sal’s, with a laidback atmosphere that I love. The way he speaks to the hostess makes me wonder if he comes here a lot.
He reaches down and weaves our fingers together, sending shock waves up my arm until my heart reacts by pumping faster. When he leads us to the back without the hostess, I know he must have planned this ahead. Our table is separated from the rest, furthest from the subtle noise of early dinner conversations.
“You don’t like noise,” he prompts, when he sees me looking around the half-empty room.
Nibbling my lip, I give him a timid smile.
Shortly after opening up to him about my disease, I saw him googling it and reading various articles on causes and symptoms. He would close out of anything if he saw me looking over at him from my homework and give me lip about what a nerd I am or how messy my hair looked at that moment.
Anything to make it look like he doesn’t care, when there’s no doubt in my mind he does. It’s in the little things he does like putting an extra blanket over me after I fall asleep, or telling Dad and Cam I can’t go out to eat at certain places because their food isn’t something I’m supposed to eat when I’m too shy to tell them myself. He leaves me silly pictures everywhere from my dresser to bathroom mirror—post-its with cartoon images like kissing lips and frozen yogurt and a sun with shades on.