This was something I’d given a lot of thought to. ‘I do. It’s obvious now that I wasn’t fully … available, I suppose the word is. But we all have baggage and, despite mine, I was very happy with you.’
‘So why did you do it? The lure of the bland food? The “outdoorsy” life?’ He shook his head. ‘Nah. It was those fucking leather … thighs?’
I couldn’t help smiling. ‘I got the chance to tidy up a lot of my past.’
And in doing so, I lost Quin. But everything comes at a cost.
I wondered if Quin and Golden were still a thing? ‘What about you and –’ I asked, at the same time as Quin said, ‘Is Bland Man still with the Grifter?’
‘Who – oh, you mean Kallie? As far as I know, yes.’
‘Seriously? Wow.’ He shook his head. ‘Respect. That was one risky game she played.’
‘How was it a game?’
‘Rach.’ He seemed incredulous. ‘Her! Checking you out! To see how you rolled, all the better to ensnare Mr …’ He waved his hand with contempt. ‘… Leather-Pants-Love-God.’
‘She wasn’t that cynical.’
‘Rach, she was a right chancer. I’m still waiting to be paid back for that doctor’s appointment.’
I faked a frown. ‘Maybe give her a quick text? Just a nudge?’ And we both managed to laugh.
‘Seriously, though,’ I said. ‘She was putting all her spare cash into her music career. Have some sympathy.’
‘Oh?’ he said, ‘I didn’t know … I’m sorry.’
The irony was that Quin had been the person who had played a risky game. When the threat of Luke appeared, he had stepped forward to meet it. It was Quin who had booked that doctor’s appointment for Kallie, Quin who had convinced me to have dinner with them. Betting – incorrectly – that the more I saw of Luke, the less I’d idealize him.
‘So what you’re saying is’， Quin said, ‘you backed the wrong horse.’
Quin wasn’t getting that, for me, it had been much more than a simple choice between two men. Luke had crashed back into my life as a catalyst, opening my eyes to complex truths, then leaving all kinds of dust to settle in new ways in new places.
‘Thing is,’ Quin said awkwardly, spreading his hands on the table, ‘I moved too fast to end things. Because I was ashamed of being the loser.’
I waited.
‘If – on the day after your mum’s party – if I could have coped with you having been with … ah … him, would you have given it a go? With me?’
I waited some more. ‘Have you forgotten that you’d already slept with Golden?’
That stymied him, but only briefly. ‘So we both fucked up. And now we’re quits.’
Things were very simple from Quin’s perspective: I’d hurt him, he’d hurt me back, and the counter was automatically reset to zero. But I was no longer the person I’d been before that night with Luke.
And right now, I wanted to know if Quin was still with Golden? Or someone else?
‘How are your sisters?’ he asked.
‘Helen’s pregnant! Sixteen weeks!’
‘Holy fuck! That’s … terrifying. Is she the first pregnant woman in the history of the world?’
‘No one has ever had morning sickness before. Or an ache in their lower back. The actual birth will be reported on the news like it’s a natural disaster.’
‘And Claire?’ He sighed. ‘I miss Claire.’
‘She misses you too. They all do. But everyone’s fine. What about Liberty and Finley?’
He brightened. ‘Liberty’s good. Going through a happier phase. And Fin is great. Does nothing but eat.’
‘That’s my boy. And your mum and dad? Michelle? Robert?’ He could feck off if he thought I was going to enquire about Shiv and Garrett.
‘All living their best lives.’ He threw me a wry glance. ‘Winning. At everything. Tennis. Happy marriages. Career trajectories.’
I wondered about asking if I could ‘reach out’ to them, then settled for saying, ‘Give them my love.’
Quin nodded at my empty glass. ‘Another?’
Oh. I looked at him with curiosity. Was I imagining that he was holding his breath? That I was?
There was a mood, as if a match were poised against flint, waiting to be struck. A moment passed. Then another. I exhaled. ‘No. Thanks. Work in the morning.’
He watched me, his expression hinting at something. ‘If I texted you in a few days, could we get a coffee?’