So I sent a text to ‘S’， threatening to call round at his house for a chat if he didn’t reply.
He replied.
We met at a hotel we’ve been to before in a small village. I had to take a damn train again, fuming all the way. This time he didn’t book a room. He met me in a tiny alcove in the corner of a snug bar at the back of the place.
I can only assume he was planning to break up with me while securing a promise not to kiss and tell. So I decided to come out with it straight.
‘I’m pregnant. I’ve been trying to contact you ever since I found out.’
The shock on his face was extraordinary. ‘Pregnant? But I thought you were on the Pill?’ He was whispering and glancing around.
‘I am. I don’t know how it happened. So why the radio silence? Ghosting me.’
He ran his fingers through his hair and I watched his face really, really carefully and it was like seeing him for the very first time. I honestly couldn’t believe in that moment that I had been such a fool. He feigned all this concern. Tilted his head. And suddenly instead of seeing this man as mature and kind and genuinely into me, it was like watching him through this new lens; an actor rehearsing.
‘Wow. Poor you. What an awful worry.’ He leaned forward and touched my hand.
I pulled it back. ‘Yes. Poor me. So why didn’t you text me back?’
I wasn’t ready to tell him what I already knew; I wanted to see what lies he would tell me. How he would try to squirm out of the hole. But I honestly had no idea just how callous he would be.
‘I’ll pay. You mustn’t worry about the money.’
‘What?’ I could feel all this bile bubbling up. I was so shocked and so angry I wanted to hit him. I had to clench my hands into fists on my lap to stop them trembling.
‘Well. You can’t keep it. You won’t want to keep it.’ He paused. ‘I do know it will be unpleasant. Awful for you. But I’ll help you through it. You will get past this.’
‘And what if I want to keep it? The baby. Our baby?’ Until that moment, I honestly hadn’t let myself even imagine this. I am terrified of a termination but kind of imagined I’d have no other option. But ‘S’ taking it instantly for granted I would do that, without a second thought, was too much.
‘Well. You can’t keep it. How can you keep it? Bring up a child?’
‘I thought you were going to leave your wife down the line. That’s what you said. That’s what you made me believe. That we were going to be together.’
He blushed then. Those fingers through his hair again. ‘Well, actually. That’s why I haven’t been in touch.’ He cleared his throat. He cast his actor’s eyes across the room and then back again, lowering his chin. I wondered if he actually practised this in a mirror. ‘She’s not been well.’
‘What’s the matter with her?’
‘I told you. She’s fragile. Ups and downs. We’re in a down.’
I remembered them alongside the car with the picnic basket. The way he kissed her. The way he touched her bump. Cupped her face. Took the sunglasses from the top of her head and placed them gently back on her nose.
I took in a deep breath and was weighing up if what I actually wanted was a scene. To call him out there and then. Shout. Cry. Have it out with him in public. Hit him?
A part of me did very much want all that but another part of me felt such an idiot too. I mean, you read about this kind of man. You see him in the movies. The problem is that you think you will be able to spot him in the flesh.
I looked right into his face and spoke very quietly. ‘I saw you. You and your pregnant wife. So you can cut the bullshit.’ I stood and picked up my handbag. ‘I came here tonight for one reason only. To warn you that I have your number. And you’d better watch yourself – because if I want to ruin your career, I can. And I will.’
And then I did something very childish but immensely satisfying. I threw the glass of wine he’d just bought me in his face.
CHAPTER 37
THE PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
‘You don’t seriously think I’m buying this good cop, bad cop bollocks, do you?’ Alex doesn’t turn his head as he says this but there is a distinct change, not only in his tone, but in his posture. He just takes a sip of the coffee, sits up straighter on his little patch of car-park wall and pulls the blanket tighter around his shoulders.
Matthew’s thrown. A moment ago, he genuinely thought he was getting through. Alex appeared to be listening. So was that just an act? Was Mel right about Alex?