揟his is amazing.?I look at the spread of food. 揧ou thought of everything. You could抳e just taken me to a restaurant, you know??
He swirls pasta around his fork. 揂nd what抯 special about that? We抳e already eaten at a restaurant together.?Lowering his head, he adds in a deeper voice, 揂fter everything, you deserve something different than that.?
I don抰 much feel like rehashing the past now, so I don抰 remark on that. Besides, we抳e established that I was hurt by his silence after everything. We抮e adults, we both know we could抳e made different choices.
揟ruly, this is ?well, honestly, it抯 perfect.?
It抯 simple, sweet. The thought that went into him planning this for us means everything.
揇o you think you would抳e come back here, to Hawthorne Mills, if it wasn抰 for your mom??
I wrinkle my nose, contemplating his question. 揈ventually.?Picking up a piece of bread, I dip it in the oil to busy myself while I sort through my thoughts. 揑 think I would抳e had to. As much as I抳e avoided this place, it抯 always called to me.?
揧ou stayed away because of me.?
He makes it a statement, but I answer anyway. 揧es and no. Because of everything this place became somewhere I dreaded to be. And I think, even after I got married, I was afraid of what it would feel like to see you with another woman.?
He clears his throat, his cheeks pinkening. 揂bout that厰
揧es??I prompt curiously.
揑 haven抰 been with anyone.?
揊or a while??
揂 long while.?He looks out of the gazebo at the trees, mumbling, 揘ot since you.?
揝ince me??I blurt loudly, taken by complete surprise. 揟hayer,?I laugh, more from shock than any genuine humor, 搕hat抯 ?you have to be joking. I mean, don抰 you remember that night after my sister抯 wedding? Caleb brought me home and you were there with a woman. Granted, she left,?I ramble, talking animatedly with my hands, 揵ut I saw you.?
He lowers his head, but not before I miss the shame swimming in his eyes. 揑 was in a bad place. A really fucking bad place and I was being an asshole because I was hoping you抎 see. I wanted to push you away. I didn抰 want you wasting your love on me when I felt like all the good in me had left. I wouldn抰 have gone through with it. I never planned to.?He rubs his jaw, the muscle clenching at the memories. 揑抦 not saying I haven抰 gone on any dates in all this time梞ostly in a vain hope that maybe I抎 feel some sort of spark梑ut I haven抰 had sex with anyone.?
I blink.
Blink again.
Surely, I haven抰 heard him right.
There抯 no way.
He gently pushes my jaw back up. 揇on抰 want you catching flies like that.?
揧ou haven抰 had sex in six years??
Stunned. I抦 completely speechless. There抯 no way. This has to be a joke, right?
揘o.?
揑 ?whoa ?wow.?I抦 having a hard time wrapping my head around this and then I start laughing, because this means?揟he last time you had sex you got me pregnant. You really went all out, didn抰 you??
Even he has to snicker at that. Sobering, he clears his throat. 揥ere you alone when you found out??
Shaking my head, I stretch my legs out fully and adjust my dress around my legs. 揑 was with Lauren.?
His eyes drop to the blanket. 揋ood. I抦 glad you had someone. You had to be scared.?
揟errified,?I laugh, and I抦 glad I can find the humor in the situation now. I was so worried about becoming a mom so young, especially pregnant by a man who was going through such a tragedy. 揑 never missed my birth control, but Seda didn抰 get the memo. That girl is a force of nature.?
He smiles, sadness in his eyes. 揑 can抰 wait to meet her.?
揑 don抰 know what I抎 do without her.?
揂nd Caleb ?he抯 been good to you? Good to her??He looks away from me as soon as the words leave his mouth. He never liked Caleb much before, so I can抰 imagine how he feels now, but he抯 handling it, all of this, better than I could抳e ever expected.
揟he best.?
His eyes shoot back to mine, brows furrowed. 揑 remember what you said before, but I have to ask again, why did you get divorced??
I rub the blanket between my thumb and index finger, seeking a small amount of comfort in the gesture to get me through this. 揑 didn抰 lie to you then梬hen I gave my heart away to you, I never fully got it back, and I realized that I would never be able to love Caleb the way he loved me. It was infinitely unfair to him, and I couldn抰 do that. I was already planning to file when he told me he was ready for us to have a baby. He wanted Seda to be a big sister and I just棓 I close my eyes, treacherous tears leaking from the corner. I feel his fingers collect my tears in a gentle caress, but I don抰 dare open them. When his touch disappears, I continue on. 揅aleb is a better person than I am, and I couldn抰厰 I shake my head. 揌e deserves to find the love I had once, because he won抰 have that with me. I think if I had never met you, we could抳e had a beautiful life together, but the fact of the matter is, I did meet you and that changes everything.?He flinches like I抳e slapped him. 揙h, Thayer.?Now I抦 the one reaching out to touch him. I place my hand on his cheek and he puts his over mine.
揑抳e really ruined your life, haven抰 I??He says it with a hint of humor, but I know he抯 aching at the thought of it.
I shake my head. 揘o, Thayer, that抯 not what I meant at all.?Stroking my thumb over his cheek, I go on. 揧ou taught a broken, abused girl what love is supposed to feel like. Before that, I had no idea what to base it on. Falling for you was the most confusing, all-consuming, thing I抳e ever done. I don抰 regret it. I never have.?
He exhales a breath and it抯 like he loses a hundred pounds with it. 揑抳e worried a lot, over the years, about how you felt toward me梚f you ended up feeling like I took advantage of you or something. Especially with your history.?He shakes his head sadly. 揑 didn抰 want to have been a cause of more trauma in your life.?
揟rust me, Thayer棓 I抦 not sure I抣l get used to being able to say his name again. 揧ou抮e one of the best things to ever happen to me. No regrets.?Dipping a piece of bread in oil, I venture to ask, 揂fter Laith came ?what happened? You were in a bad place. It worried me. Leaving you was the hardest thing I抳e ever done.?
He sets his food aside and lays down on his side, propping his head in his hand. A curl falls over his forehead, my fingers twitching with the desire to push it back, but I keep my hands to myself. I want to take things slow. Thayer and I ?it抯 so easy, so right with him, and that makes it feel difficult to go at a speed that抯 necessary.
揗ostly he yelled at me梬hich I needed. Told me I was a waste of space and a shame to my son抯 memory.?He takes a deep breath, the pain of that loss always hard to bear. 揑t worked. I started grief counseling and learned to channel my emotions in healthier ways.?
揕ike what??I ask, curiously.
His cheeks turn the barest hint of pink. 揅rafts ?and stuff.?
揅rafts??I repeat, trying not to smile. 揅are to elaborate for me??
The pink in his cheeks deepens until he抯 full-blown blushing. 揥ell, my therapist had me try out some different things until something stuck.?
揧ou抮e really going to make me pull this out of you, aren抰 you??He says something in a rush of words that is impossible to decipher. 揌uh??
Slowing down, he says, 揝ewing, okay? I started sewing dog bows for Winnie and that morphed into dog clothes.?
I stare at him, stunned.
Did this lumberjack looking man just tell me he sews clothing for his dog? I can抰 possibly have heard him right.