揑t doesn抰 matter if it was right or not.?I dry up more tears. 揑 still hurt him.?
揌urt is temporary.?
揧eah??I laugh humorlessly, thinking about how it抯 been six years since Thayer broke my heart. That hurt certainly hasn抰 been temporary, but maybe things would抳e been different if I didn抰 have our daughter. She抯 the best thing in this world, but she抯 also a constant reminder of him.
揧ou抮e so strong.?
揗om.?I shake my head. 揧ou抮e the strong one.?
She laughs. 揌ow about we抮e both strong??
揟hat works.?I wipe the tissue beneath my nose.
Her face sobers, and she looks at me with worry. 揑 want you to be happy, Salem. It抯 what I抳e always wanted.?
揑 am happy,?I argue, because it抯 true. Could I be happier? Yes. But I抦 not unhappy.
揧ou抮e content. There抯 a difference.?
She has a point. 揑抣l find what brings me joy one day.?
揧ou will.?Her smile is sad. 揑 just wish I抎 be alive to see it.?
Another crack is added to my already mangled heart.
I wake up at seven in the morning and throw on my running clothes for a jog. I don抰 have nightmares anymore梬ell, rarely, thanks to my return to therapy and sticking with it梑ut some habits are hard to kick and I do love running early. I just don抰 do it before five A.M. anymore.
Popping in my ear buds, I turn on my cardio playlist while I stretch on the driveway. Instead of turning to jog in front of Thayer抯 house in the direction I used to go, I turn and head the opposite direction. I never liked this loop as much, it抯 hillier, but I抦 being petty not wanting to take my old route.
By the time I turn to head back, I抦 drenched in sweat and my hair doesn抰 want to stay in a ponytail.
I turn onto the street that brings me home when I spot a jogger heading toward me from the opposite direction.
Tall, big build. Obviously, a man.
My steps falter as we both slow梞e in front of my mom抯 house, him in front of?
I pull my ear buds out, my lips parting as I get my first look at the man I left behind.
揟hayer,?I breathe his name into existence.
He cocks his head, taking me in. Surprise fills his brown eyes.
揝alem.?
CHAPTER 7
SALEM
The man standing in front of me is so different, and yet so similar to the one I left. He抯 thirty-seven now, almost thirty-eight if I抦 doing the math right in my head. I抦 too stunned to think coherently. There抯 a hint of gray at his temples, subtle but it抯 there, and there抯 some of that same color sprinkled into the scruff on his cheeks. I didn抰 know gray hair would be a turn on for me, but with Thayer I think everything is. His brown eyes are taking me in as greedily as I do him. The lines around them are more prominent now. His eyes are brighter, clearer than the last time I saw him.
It was the end of that summer, and my hope had waned. I went over to his house one last time, begging and pleading for him to get up, to live, because that抯 what Forrest would want. He was drinking his life away, slipping through my fingers. And nothing I did was good enough. In the end, I called his brother and told him Thayer needed him, and I went back to New York City with Lauren. I had a baby to think about and that meant being strong even when I wanted to fall apart too.
I take in his running clothes and shoes, trying desperately to fight my rising smile.
揌i,?I say stupidly.
His eyes continue to rake over me. 揌i.?
I keep expecting to feel an awkwardness settle in my chest梐fter all, this is Thayer and I haven抰 seen him in ages, but it just feels natural. Like it always did.
He doesn抰 look like what I expected.
After the way I last saw him, I guess I expected him to look even worse than he did then. But that was a man that was grieving, and this is one who somehow pulled himself out of that and has healed.
He looks good.
Healthy.
Somehow, that makes the last six years even worse.
揌-How are you? How has life been??He asks in an uncharacteristic way for him梖lustered and taken by surprise. I suppose, despite his friendship with my mom, she didn抰 mention me coming back to town.
I take my sweaty ponytail down, brushing my fingers hastily through the strands before putting it back in a low bun on the nape of my neck. His eyes watch my movements and I wonder if he senses how nervous I am. So many things are running through my head and it抯 on the tip of my tongue to blurt out, 揑 had a baby and it抯 yours!?But I think that situation needs to be handled with a little more grace.
揑 ?it抯 been ?life.?
Wow, so eloquent of you, Salem. Of course, life has been life. Could you sound any dumber?
揌eard you got married.?He squints down at me, lifting his hand to shield his eyes from the rising sun.
It抯 not a question.
I hold up my left hand, showing my empty ring finger. 揂nd divorced.?
揌e抯 an idiot.?
I laugh, a full belly laugh that feels so good to let loose. 揘o, I抦 the idiot.?I look down at the ground between us, toeing my shoe against a piece of loose gravel on the sidewalk. The giddy eighteen-year-old girl inside me is screaming right now in excitement like I抦 talking to my crush. But the twenty-five-year-old I am now is screaming at her to stand down, that we have to guard ourselves against this man. 揑抦 the one that asked for the divorce.?
揥hy??His lips purse, eyes narrowed. He抯 surprised, but also curious, and trying to hide those feelings. I wish he wouldn抰 do that. He抯 so hard to read, and I value any insight he gives me into his thoughts.
揃ecause, I could never love him like he loves me. Caleb is a great man. But he抯 not my forever. I already gave my heart away.?
Oh, God! Why did I blurt out that last part! I couldn抰 keep my mouth shut?
Thayer抯 eyes flicker with curiosity, and a flash of heat. 揟hat so??
揧eah.?I try not to smile and fail. 揘ow that guy? He was an idiot.?
Thayer throws his head back and laughs and laughs and laughs. It抯 music to my ears.
揑 assume you mean me.?
I don抰 hesitate when I say, 揧es.?
He drops his head, the smallest of amused smiles on his lips. 揑 deserve that.?
Now that the surprise is wearing off, panic is setting in. This is Thayer. The man I gave my heart, my soul, my everything to. I was a broken mess when I left him.
My marriage to Caleb might be over but he helped put me back together.
Clearing his throat he says, 揑t抯 ?uh ?good seeing you.?
揧eah, you too.?
Awkwardness sets in and we stand in front of each other, waiting for the other to do or say something first.
I抦 the one to break the silence.
揑 need to check on my mom.?
揜ight.?He nods, backing a step away, closer to his side of the property line. 揝he invited me over for dinner tonight. I already said yes桰 didn抰 know you were going to be here, she didn抰 say梐nyway, I抣l call her later and cancel.?
Rolling my eyes, I inhale through my nose and out through my mouth. 揑抦 an adult, Thayer. Don抰 treat me like broken china. Just because you shattered my heart, doesn抰 mean I抦 still damaged. You抮e welcome to come for dinner.?
I抦 glad I sound stronger than I feel.
揙h.?He looks at me surprised梔id he really expect me to just crumble and cry at his feet seeing him again? 揑f you抮e okay with it, then.?
揑抦 fine.?I don抰 give him a chance to respond, turning on my heel. Before I reach the door, I stop and whip around. He抯 still standing at the corner of the driveway. 揇on抰 be later than five.?
He wets his lips with a smooth slide of his tongue, hiding a growing smile. 揇o you want me to bring anything??