揌i, Binx.?I pet my beloved cat on the head where he snoozes on the covers. 揑 missed you.?
He opens one green eye, glaring at me. I know he抯 pissed at me for leaving. He抯 needy like that, but instead of wanting love and attention now that I抦 back he gives me the silent treatment. Cats, man.
I unpack the clothes I washed at my mom抯 and repack some different items. I might as well have a little variety to spice up my life. I抦 tired from the week and can抰 wait to get into bed, but I really do want to spend time with Seda first.
I抦 walking out of the bedroom when she tops the steps. 揑 finished. I guess that means I抦 ready for my bath.?She sounds anything but.
揋o pick out what pajamas you want to wear and I抣l start it.?
揙kay!?That excites her.
Flicking on the bathroom light, I push the plug in the tub and start the water, making sure the temperature isn抰 too hot or cold.
Seda comes running into the bathroom with her bright pink princess pajamas. 揟hese.?She drops them onto the floor and quickly strips out of her clothes without any prompting on my part.
揇o you know what book you want??I ask, wetting her hair so I can suds it up.
揟he one with Princess Seda,?she giggles, tilting her head back. She loves when I massage the shampoo into her scalp.
揥hy am I not surprised??I smile at her, giving her cheek a small pinch. When she was a baby my mom gifted us one of those books with your name in it and it抯 been her favorite since she was a toddler.
揑t抯 my favorite, Mom,?she says dramatically like I抦 not already aware, throwing in an eyeroll for good measure.
She抯 five going on fifteen.
When her hair is clean and she抯 scrubbed her body thoroughly with the cloth I pass her, I scoop her out and wrap her in a towel.
揈gg game!?she cries, feet pounding on the floor as she runs into her room.
I chase after her, pajamas in my hands. She falls to the floor, covering her body with the purple towel.
揥hat is this??I say, circling her body. 揑s this an egg? What an unusually large egg. And purple too? Hmm.?I tap my finger against my lips. She starts to wiggle her body. I gasp loudly. 揙h my God, it抯 moving.?I grin when I spot Caleb watching us from the doorway with his own smile. 揇o you see this mysterious egg? Look at it moving!?
揑抦 cracking!?Seda cries, wiggling more. 揅rack.?She throws off the towel and stands up. 揕ook, Mommy! It抯 a Seda!?She shakes her wet hair like a dog.
揥ould you look at that? Who would抳e guessed that抯 what was in the egg.?She giggles. 揚ajama time.?I hold up the top and she takes it from me, putting it on. She spots Caleb and smiles. 揇id you see, Daddy? I was an egg!?
He chuckles. 揑 saw. You抮e my favorite egg.?His eyes find mine and I feel his heartbreak still. Even though we抮e on good terms, it doesn抰 change the fact that he didn抰 want the divorce and he抯 still in love with me.
揗ommy抯 going to read me a story. Will you help her? I love it when you both do the voices.?
He meets my eyes, seeing if I抦 okay with it. I nod.
揝ure, baby girl.?He picks up her wet towel and drops it into the hamper.
Seda grabs her book and climbs into bed with Caleb and I on either side of her.
She holds the book, flipping the pages and doing her best to read along with us.
By the time it抯 finished, her eyes have grown heavy.
We each kiss her forehead and tuck her in for the night
Out in the hallway, Caleb looks at me like he wants to say something but decides against it.
I watch him head down the hall and back downstairs.
I抦 a coward, because I don抰 follow him and ask him what抯 on his mind.
Instead, I go to bed, because it抯 the easier option.
CHAPTER 6
SALEM
揗om??I call, letting myself into the house.
Christy called me about thirty minutes ago during my drive letting me know everything was okay, but she had to head out instead of waiting for me to arrive.
When I pulled into the driveway, I steadfastly ignored the truck parked next door. It抯 bigger than the one Thayer used to have, but I still managed to act like I didn抰 see it, using my hair as a shield.
揑n here, honey,?she calls from the living room.
揌ey.?The word leaves me in a relieved breath. Her skin tone is a little warmer today, slightly flushed and she looks less tired despite being in the bed. There抯 a tray across her lap and she抯 coloring. 揕ooks pretty,?I comment, looking at the floral design she chose. She抯 filling it in with shades of purple and teal. 揝eda sent these for you.?I dig in my bag for the drawings.
揙h.?My mom takes them, smiling and looking over each one. 揌ow sweet of her. Was your time with her nice??
I nod, sitting down on the couch so I can remove my strappy sandals. 揧eah, but it always is. Even when she抯 driving me up a wall, I love her so much.?
My mom smiles, her eyes crinkling at the corners. 揃eing a parent is the most amazing thing you抣l ever do in your life. It抯 not for the faint of heart, though.?
揟hat抯 for sure.?I shudder, thinking of Georgia抯 young boys and how she told me once that the oldest caught a mouse and brought it into the house. Not even Binx does that.
揑s Caleb all right??
Although my mom fully supported my decision on the divorce, she loves Caleb and likes to keep check on him.
揌e抯 good.?
揑s he dating anyone??she inquires, continuing to color like she didn抰 ask me a monumental question.
揑 don抰 know.?I pick up some of her coloring books from the pile on the floor. 揥e don抰 talk about that kind of thing. He抯 free to date if he wants.?
揑s he still in love with you??
My shoulders lock, my body tensing. 揗om,?I beg.
揑t抯 a genuine question, Salem.?She gives me that motherly look梩he one with the arched brow daring me not to answer.
揧es.?I flip through the pages, looking for a page to color myself. Her eyes try to bore a hole through me, but I steadfastly ignore her.
揧ou did the right thing, you know.?Her words take me by surprise, my head jerking up. She looks back at me with a tiny smile. 揧ou love him, I know you do, but he loves you more. So, you did the right thing in letting him go.?
I exhale a shaky breath. 揑 thought if I just tried harder, put in more effort, I could love him like he loved me.?
揃ut you never could.?
揘o,?I answer even though it wasn抰 a question. 揥hen he started talking about having kids, I just厰 Rubbing my lips together, I search for the right words. 揑 couldn抰 do it anymore. He抯 amazing, the greatest guy, and I love him, but not in the way he deserves to be loved.?
I look down at the page I stopped on, the black and white image blurred from the tears flooding my eyes. I never, ever wanted to hurt Caleb. Not back then and not now, either. But I抦 not a perfect person, no one is and if they think they are then they抮e delusional. We all do things we抮e not proud of. I will never regret my time with Caleb. It抯 not possible. But I do regret not loving him enough. The worst part is, if I抎 never met Thayer, and known what soul-crushing, all-consuming love felt like, then I think Caleb and I would抳e been a good match.
But I did meet Thayer, and that single moment forever changed the trajectory of my life.
揚lease, don抰 cry,?she pleads, reaching for the box of tissues on the table beside her bed.
I reach for the tissue, taking it from her to dab my eyes. 揑抦 a horrible person, Mom. The shittiest. He loves me so much. Why can抰 I do the same??
She looks at me sympathetically. 揌oney,?she says softly, her eyes pitying, 搚ou have to forgive yourself. You did the right thing.?