He grunted a noise of acknowledgement. I caught Olivia抯 eye and pointed to my empty glass. She nodded.
Holden glanced at me. 揊inal round is the day after tomorrow.?
揧ep.?
Every day this week, I had been competing in heats in the tournament. I抎 roll off Holden抯 couch, grab my board from the shop, wait for my name to be called, and let my body take over from there. There was no focus, no thought involved, just instinct and muscle memory. I had been placing well. Not my best, nothing special and nothing memorable, but well enough to advance to the final round.
There was no joy in it, though. No competitive spark.
揧ou have a sponsorship in the bag, then.?
I nodded and thanked Olivia as she dropped off another beer.
揧ou don抰 sound too excited.?
I shrugged. 揧ep. It抯 good. I抦 thrilled. This is what I always wanted.?My voice was flat and clipped. I couldn抰 even muster the enthusiasm to lie to him.
I downed half the beer. What was the point of even going tomorrow? Maybe I didn抰 want to leave Queen抯 Cove. Maybe I wanted to stick around. A stupid, hopeful part of my brain said, she抣l come around. Another part of my brain asked, what if she moves on and finds someone perfect for her?
If everything was temporary, then what was even the point of leaving?
Quick flashes of what our life could be played in my head. Hannah and I floating on our boards in South Africa. Hannah and I sitting on the beach on the Gold Coast of Australia. Hannah and I snorkeling in Hawaii.
Hannah and I.
Without her, what was the point? I tried to picture a life without her.
Me sitting alone on my hotel room patio, staring at the water, drinking a beer and thinking about her. Me on a plane, counting clouds out the window, remembering how her hair smelled like tea. Me on my board, watching the sunrise and wondering whether her eyes were more blue or green that day. Wondering whether she missed me like I missed her.
Leaving felt pointless, but staying in Queen抯 Cove?
I couldn抰 sit at the bar and watch as she smiled at another guy, as he encouraged her to sing karaoke and draped his arm around her and pressed kisses to her temple. I couldn抰 watch as she fell in love with someone else. Besides, she抎 know. She抎 hear if I didn抰 show up tomorrow or if I bailed again, and she抎 know. There was still a spot in my heart that didn抰 want to disappoint her.
No wonder Finn had left.
I stared at my beer. I should have told her how I felt sooner. Then she would have had time to come around.
Holden sighed. 揓esus fucking Christ, this is too depressing for even me.?
Olivia and I spoke in unison. 揌olden, shut up.?
Two hours later, Holden helped me through the door of his house and onto the couch.
揌ow long are you going to do this??he asked, setting a glass of water on the coffee table.
Until my bed stopped smelling like her. Until I didn抰 associate my room with her. Until I stopped picturing her in my living room, reading and staring out the window.
揇on抰 know.?
He shrugged. 揙kay. Goodnight.?
搼night.?
He headed off to his room and I stared at the ceiling, my head spinning from the booze. I remembered the soft sighs she made as she rested her head on my chest while she was still sleeping in the morning. The way she blushed and smiled when I kissed her neck. The way she brushed her fingers on my arm when she passed by me, a small touch to connect us for a brief moment.
I thought about my aunts, and how the illness had ripped everything from them. How temporary it was despite their best efforts. My chest ached and I rubbed it. Reminding myself that things with Hannah were temporary was supposed to make this part easier, but it still felt like she had pulled my heart out through my throat.
I should have known better the entire time. Or maybe it was right to let it happen. I didn抰 know anymore.
You抮e being stupid, Holden had said.
There was one person who had been in this situation before, and I was going to pay her a visit.
32
Hannah
揌annah??
My head snapped up and straightened up from where I stood behind the desk at the store, staring off into space. Liya tilted her head at me, waiting.
揧es??
揥here are the new big bodied heroine romances??
I tilted my chin to a shelf near the door. 揑 put them in the new release section.?
Liya hustled over and pointed the shelf out to a customer.
It had been three days since the big blowup with both Wyatt and my dad. At home, my dad wasn抰 speaking to me, but I wasn抰 speaking to him either, and it was so tense and awkward that I spent most of my waking hours here at the store.
It had been three days of trying to forget about Wyatt Rhodes. I think it was getting easier. I wasn抰 crying anymore.