It was his way or nothing.
There was no one for me to talk to about this with. Any other situation, I would have been drinking wine with Elise, singing Dolly Parton songs until my voice gave out, and letting her mop my tears. But I couldn’t do that. If I did, I’d have to admit to our lie.
I needed space to arrange my thoughts and decide how to go on from here. I couldn’t be here when Luca came home.
Not now.
Not when I didn’t know what to say to him or what happened next.
So, I packed a bag and wrote him a note. Then I gave Clementine some snuggles and arranged for our doorman to check on her until Luca returned.
As much as I wanted to hop on a plane and move somewhere on the other side of the globe, I couldn’t do that. I had responsibilities here now, so I wasn’t leaving forever.
Just for now.
Chapter Fortyone
Saoirse
By nine o’clock that evening, I was at Joy’s Elbow Room, throwing back a beer with my sister-in-law. Country music filtered over the din of conversation around us. Couples danced. Friends played darts. Our small table was an island of misery in the midst of the revelry.
Well, I was miserable. Elena was staring at me with barely restrained impatience. She didn’t have a lot of it on a normal basis, but pregnancy sucked the rest right out of her.
Once I’d arrived in Wyoming, I’d spent the afternoon snuggling the kids, riding Athena, and avoiding questions. Elena had put her foot down after dinner.
She wasn’t demanding answers, but I knew I wasn’t getting out of this town without spilling my guts. Deep down, that was probably why I came here. Elena wasn’t exactly a neutral party, but exposing the truth to her wouldn’t blow up my and Luca’s friend group.
All it took was one beer, and I was ready to talk.
When I started, everything poured out at once.
“My marriage to Luca is an arrangement. He basically needed a wife for his image, and I needed my mother off my back about dating. He asked me to marry him for two years, and I said yes because…well, you know how I am. I always say yes. But he told me from the beginning he wanted to settle down and have a real marriage eventually, and I explained my anti-marriage stance. We’re two people with fundamentally different beliefs about that. It should have been simple. I thought it would be.”
I waved my empty glass at our passing waitress. One beer wasn’t going to cut it. It had only begun to blur the raw edges of my eviscerated heart. I was going for full-on numbness.
Elena folded her arms, raised a brow, and waited for me to continue, so I did.
“We fell in love. It wasn’t on purpose, but it happened, and it was beautiful, El. Being with Luca is as easy as breathing. Most of the time, I forgot about our arrangement. He was just mine, and I was his. But then Clara—that’s his sister—had a crisis in her marriage. Her husband turned out to be this despicable human, and Luca has had to hold the weight of his family while everything fell apart.”
A full beer was placed in front of me. With grateful hands, I picked it up and took a long pull. Elena swung her crossed leg and waited for me to continue.
“He came home last night, and I could tell he wasn’t himself. He found out I still had some things at my apartment, plus I wasn’t wearing my rings, and he accused me of having one foot out the door. He was so mad he wouldn’t listen to anything I said. Then he told me he loved me for the first time. I love him too. How could I not? I’ve never loved a man the way I do him. But then…he demanded to make our marriage real. He wanted me to say yes right then and there, knowing how I feel about marriage. And I couldn’t, Elena. Of course I couldn’t.”
My head fell into my hands, too heavy to hold upright. “Then Clara got into a car accident, so Luca had to rush to the hospital. He wouldn’t let me come, but I followed him anyway. And he—”
My throat was too tight to get the words out. Elena laid her hand on mine, giving it a firm squeeze. My sister-in-law wasn’t the most demonstrative person. If I was getting a handhold, I must have truly looked miserable.
“He told me he didn’t want me. He told me to go.”
I ached. Dear god, did I ache. What was I supposed to do? I never should have agreed to any of this. How could I go back to Denver, share Sunday brunch with my friends, and face Luca again and again? I already knew I wouldn’t be able to. Time wouldn’t be enough.
I would never get over him.
How could I? He’d loved me so well. No other man would ever be able to touch the place inside me he’d carved for himself. It would be empty without his claim on it.
“Is that it?” Elena dug around in her purse and withdrew a plastic tube I recognized all too well.
I held my hand out, and she shook a cannabis gummy into my palm, then tossed the tube back in her bag.
“What do you mean, is that it?” I almost shrieked. Hadn’t she been listening? “I just told you I’m heartbroken.”
“But why? I don’t understand the problem. Your husband wants to be married to you. You’re already married. Nothing has to change.”
Maybe I’d had too many beers. She was confusing me. “But…it was an arrangement. It wasn’t real.”
Shaking her head, she chuffed. “Were you committed to each other?”
I nodded.
“And you already said you’re in love.”
I nodded again, slowly chewing on my gummy.
“You adopted a cat together.”
“Clementine.” I missed her, and it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours. Thankfully, the doorman had texted me pictures of her when he checked on her.
Elena leaned in. “The sex is…good?”
“Good doesn’t even come close to describing it.”
Her lips curved. “You met each other’s families.”
“Yes, but it was part of the agreement—”
She flicked her fingers, dismissing me. “I’m assuming this marriage is legal, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Then what’s the problem? You’re married to a man who fucks you right, loves you and your cat, is good to you, rich as God, hot as hell…I don’t get it.”
How had Elena managed to twist my mind around so thoroughly that I was beginning to not understand my own problems? Was she a witch?
Maybe it was the weed…and beer.
“I don’t believe in marriage?” Yeah, it had come out as a question. I doubted myself at this point.
Elena laughed. “Do you even know what you believe? You know, your brother tried to use your parents as an excuse to dump me.”
I sat back in my chair, heart sinking. “I remember that.” That was a decade ago, and I still recall telling Lock he was being an idiot for breaking up with Elena. Thankfully, he pulled his head out of his ass quickly and she forgave him. I might have made my dad adopt her so she could have still been my sister if he hadn’t.
“Then you’ll also remember it didn’t work. He figured out very quickly how stupid it was to use his parents’ mistakes as an excuse not to live the life he wanted. I see you doing the same after you had front-row seats to Lachlan fumbling the bag, and I can’t help wondering why you’re being stupid too. Is this fear?”