I flinched from the pummeling she’d given me. “You’re being mean.”
“No, I’m being blunt.”
And this was exactly why I came to Elena. She never pulled punches. She wouldn’t coddle me and tell me my decisions were right if they were dead wrong.
“I’ve never wanted to be married.”
She arched a brow. “And yet, you are.”
“But it’s not real.”
“You keep saying that. I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
“I only married Luca because there was an end date. He’s the one who changed what we agreed on. He didn’t even want to have a conversation about it. It was his way or nothing.”
“And you honestly chose nothing?”
“I don’t believe in marriage,” I whispered.
“It’s not a fairy tale, babe. It’s an agreement between two people, which is what you and Luca have. Was it fair for him to change the details? No, of course not. It sounds like he was a total jackass.”
“He yelled at me.”
Because he’d been in pain. My Luca had been hurting and angry. If I hadn’t been there, he would have yelled at the walls. Taken his fury out on a canvas or mounds of clay. But it had been me. And I wasn’t a wall or clay. I was a woman with out-of-control feelings, shaky knees, a rattling heart.
Her eyes narrowed. “Did he hurt you?”
“No. I didn’t love being yelled at, but I wasn’t afraid of him.”
Aching for him. Confused by him. Needy for him. Angry at him. Never afraid of him.
“Good. I would hate for Lachlan to have to murder him.”
“He would.” My brother didn’t play when it came to the women he loved.
She nodded. “Not a question. Your father would probably get in on it as well.”
“There is no need for violence.” My head was beginning to feel lighter, as were my troubles. The gummy was working its magic. “I don’t think you’ll see him again anyway.”
Elena sighed and picked up her sparkling water, giving it a swirl. Then she reached for my hand. “I want to dance. If I go out there alone, I’ll end up having to fend off a lonely rancher or two, so you’ll have to dance with me.”
The gummy had loosened me up just enough that I let her drag me to my feet and over to the dance floor. Everyone was doing some line dance I didn’t know, but I joined in anyway. Soon, I was swept up in it, shuffling and spinning, probably doing it all wrong, but I didn’t give a damn. It was something other than being miserable, so I latched on to it with both hands.
One song blended with the next. Elena and I danced together, and any time a guy so much as glanced our way, she bared her teeth. Even pregnant, she attracted attention. That might’ve been because she had a whole “Evil Elsa” thing going. Scary but hot.
We spun until we were dizzy and had bounced ourselves sweaty. Eventually, we bellied up to the bar for another drink.
A pretty bartender with black hair and bright-blue eyes rested her elbows on the bar and grinned.
“What’ll it be?” she asked.
Elena patted my head. “Joy, this is Saoirse. Saoirse, Joy.”
I waved at Joy, who I assumed was the owner since her name was all over the place, and she waved back.
“Saoirse doesn’t believe in marriage,” Elena said.
Joy nodded at my rings. “Pity for your husband.”
I hid my hand behind my back. Elena cackled. “Right? I told her you can’t not believe in marriage when you’re literally married. Anyway, Saoirse needs a shot. Something sweet and strong, please. And I’ll have another seltzer.”
Joy saluted Elena. “I got you.”
Elena turned to me while Joy poured our drinks. “You know, I was suspicious when you called to tell us you’d eloped. All the time I’ve known you, you’ve been adamantly against getting married. But then you showed up here with Luca, and I saw how he looked at you. Then he was so patient with Caleb, who’d challenged him at every turn, and I thought, ‘Saoirse might have landed a good one.’”
“He is good,” I agreed.
Joy slid us our drinks and moved along. I swallowed the sweet liquid, exhaling as it fired down my throat and warmed my chest.
“I think he’s good for you.” Elena took a gulp of her seltzer and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “He’s your lighthouse.”
“My—what?”
“Sometimes I worry about you, babe. You’ve been directionless for a long time while calling it freedom and adventure. Those are good things, but I see you using your adventurous spirit as a cover for your fear of committing to anything. Not a job, a city, a home. But since Luca came into your life, you’ve committed. You started the business you’ve been thinking about for years. You have the cat you always wanted. And you fell in love. Head over heels. I think being with Luca has allowed you to feel secure enough to grab on to the things you’ve always wanted. You can explore uncharted waters because he’s your beacon home. Do you even know how rare that is? To have someone who really sees you, values you, and supports you?”
Tears welled in my eyes. I couldn’t cry at the bar at Joy’s Elbow Room. I absolutely refused. So, I bit down on the inside of my cheek until I got myself under control.
“I love him very much,” I rasped. “But I don’t know how to navigate this. How do I move past these feelings I’ve had for so long?”
“You have to talk to each other.” She curled her arm around my shoulders. “He was wrong for forcing your hand and then being cruel to you when you couldn’t say what he wanted you to say. But there’s no way around this. You have to work through it. And that will only happen if you both are willing.”
I leaned my head against hers. “I don’t know if he’s willing.”
“You won’t know until you face him, babe. Running will only get you so far.”
I wasn’t ready to give up on Luca.
But I also wasn’t ready to face him either. Not when I still didn’t know if I was capable of being what he wanted me to be.
If he even wanted me at all.
Chapter Fortytwo
Luca
It seemed impossible for there to be anything wrong in the world when I held my niece in my arms.
I was the second one to hold her. Clara hadn’t wanted to give her up, which I understood. I tried my best to play the part Miller would have, taking pictures of every moment and making sure Clara was as comfortable as possible.
Time was nothing but an abstract theory in the hospital. I dozed every once in a while and ate the leftovers from Clara’s tray. Our parents hovered at first, but our father needed to rest for his own health, so I was the one who stayed overnight with her.
While Clara napped, my niece squirmed in her bassinet, so I took her out and cradled her against my chest. Antonella Rossi—Nellie—made this crooked world straight again. I’d loved her before we’d even met, but I had never experienced anything like looking into her tiny, round face and feeling like I was falling and sinking at the same time.
“I’ll make it right for you,” I whispered. “When you need me, I’ll always be there, Nellie baby. Uncle Luca loves you.”