Totally and Completely Fine(102)

I put my face into my hands and sobbed.

The couch squeaked again as Allyson sat down next to me. She took my hand, let me weep, and gave me a tissue when I finally came back to myself. I felt like I’d been wrung dry.

“Did I ruin the party?” I asked, sniffling.

“Ollie gave another speech,” she said. “Everything’s fine.”

“I just need a moment,” I said.

“You should tell him how you feel, Mrs. P,” Eve said.

I hadn’t heard her and Lena come in.

“It’s not that simple,” I said.

“Yeah, it is,” she said with the confidence of a thirteen-year-old in love for the first time. Her hand was linked with Lena’s. I didn’t know the details, but apparently, they had reconciled. I was glad.

“He hasn’t called?” Allyson asked.

I shook my head. “It hasn’t been that long,” I said.

It felt like ages.

Lena hadn’t said anything. She was just holding Eve’s hand and looking at the floor.

“We both agreed this was for the best,” I said, wiping away my tears. Hopefully for good. “I’ll be fine—I’m just feeling emotional today.”

Eve gave Lena a small push forward.

“Tell her!” she said. “Tell her what you told me!”

Allyson gestured to Eve. “Maybe we should give them some time,” she said.

They left, and Lena came over to the couch.

“C’mere,” I said.

She sat down and let me put my arm around her.

“I’m fine,” I said. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

“Was it because of me?”

“No, honey,” I said. “It’s because of a lot of things.”

“But I’m one of the things,” she said sadly.

I let out a breath.

“He’s going to be moving to Australia for four years,” I said. “It just didn’t make sense.”

“What if he didn’t move to Australia?” she said. “Would you be together?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

She nodded. Her expression was so serious. So thoughtful.

“Eve thinks we should give him a chance. Thinks I should give him a chance.”

“It seems like things are better between you two,” I said.

Lena shrugged, but there was a little smile there.

It was nice. The two of us sitting here.

“I love you,” I told her.

“I love you,” she said. Then, quietly, “It’s okay if you lo— if you like Ben too.”

“Oh, honey,” I said.

I wanted to tuck her up against my heart. She was trying so hard. Being so kind. So generous.

“If you feel that way, you should tell him,” she said.

I pushed her hair back from her face and kissed her forehead. She let me.

“When did you get so wise?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Probably because I’m an old soul,” she said. “At least, that’s what Eve tells me.”

“You are,” I said. “A very old soul.”

“I think Ben’s an old soul too,” she said.

“You might be right,” I said.

And then, suddenly, all I wanted to do was talk to Ben.

Wanted to see him.

Be with him.

My heart leapt into my throat alongside my stomach. I was terrified, but it was okay.

“Whatever happens,” I said, “none of it means I love your father any less.”

“I know,” Lena said. “Are you going to call him?”

I stood, pulling her up along with me.

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go see how much a ticket to Australia costs.”

Chapter 56

Now

I didn’t get a chance to buy that ticket. Because when we reached the top of the stairs and opened the door, Ben was standing right there.

“Surprise,” he said.

I stared.

And then I looked at Lena.

“Did you plan this?”

She shook her head, looking as stunned as I felt.

“Plan what?” Ben said.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

He looked good. He always looked good. I wanted to bury my face in his neck.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

I took him out to the porch. The engagement/pre-wedding party was happening inside, so we had the soundtrack of laughter and talking as we sat down on the front steps. The same front steps where I’d once spied on Spencer drinking Yoo-hoo with our cat. I looked up toward my old bedroom window, half expecting to see myself there.

But it was empty, of course.

“Lauren,” Ben said.

I didn’t let him finish. I took his face in my hands and kissed him. On my mother’s porch. During a party. Where anyone could see us. I didn’t care.

“I have to tell you something,” I said.

“Me too,” he said.

But we didn’t stop kissing. It was so good. So right.

Any hesitation or doubt I might have had flew right out the window.

Who knew what would happen next. Tomorrow. The day after. The year after.