Totally and Completely Fine(100)
“Maybe we need to try something different,” I said.
“Like what?”
“Like talking about how we’re feeling. Even when we’re sad. Especially when we’re sad.”
There was a long silence.
“Do you think—” Lena paused, started again. “Do you think he’d be proud of me?”
“Yes,” I said without hesitation. “He loved you so much.”
“Do you think he’d still love me even if he knew about…” Lena’s voice got quieter and quieter. “…Eve?”
“Of course,” I said fiercely.
“You don’t know for sure,” she said. “Like, you didn’t know what he believed when it came to ghosts or heaven or that stuff.”
I now understood what she’d been trying to figure out.
“I know for sure,” I said. “Because there is nothing that would have made your father love you any less.”
“What about you?” she asked, her voice so small.
“Honey, I love you so much,” I said. “I love you more than anything in the entire world.”
“Even after…what I said?”
“I love you,” I said. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Lena was crying again, holding on to me tightly.
“I tried to plant some flowers,” she said. “But they keep dying.” She looked up at me. “Do you think that’s a sign?”
“No,” I said. “I think that’s the soil.”
“Grandma said it’s because I’m not praying enough,” she said. “That if I brought a Bible out here and read to the flowers, they’d grow. That Dad would know how much I love him.”
“Grandma is wrong,” I said. “She doesn’t know how flowers grow.”
“She’s the worst,” Lena said.
“Yeah,” I said. “She kind of is.”
That at least made Lena giggle a little.
I breathed in the scent of her hair and found that there was something familiar.
“You smell like your dad,” I told her.
She took a bit of her own hair and sniffed. “Yeah?”
I hugged her tighter. “Yeah, it’s nice. Really nice.”
“Mom?” she asked.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want you to be lonely,” she said.
I pressed my lips together. I’d cried enough for one day and apparently, I wasn’t done yet.
“I’m okay, honey,” I said. “I have you. And Grandma, and Uncle Gabe.”
“And Ollie,” Lena said. “And Chani.”
“And Teddy,” I said. “That’s a lot of love to have.”
Lena was quiet for a moment.
“And Ben?” she asked—the question so tentative. “Do you need that too?”
“He’s leaving,” I said, reminding her.
“But—”
“It’s over,” I said. “It’s better this way.”
Lena looked up at me. I tucked her head under my chin.
“I’ll be fine,” I said, hoping that it would eventually be true.
Chapter 54
Now
Ben was sitting on the porch when we returned, standing as we walked up to the house.
“Why don’t you go inside,” I told Lena. “You must be hungry.”
She nodded and paused for a moment in front of Ben.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Me too,” he said.
Then she disappeared into the house.
Ben shoved his hands into his pockets.
“She’s okay,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said.
He came down to meet me on the bottom step.
We both knew what needed to happen.
What was inevitable.
What we should have prepared for.
I waited for him to say it.
“I think it’s best if I go,” he said.
I didn’t want him to, but I also knew he was right. It would be best. For everyone inside. For him. For me.
“I had a good time,” I said.
Wholly insignificant words for what we’d shared, but it made Ben smile.
“I did too,” he said. “And you know, if you’re ever in Australia…” He lifted a hand, miming a phone.
“Of course,” I said. “And if you’re ever back in the States and want a good meal…”
“That would be okay?” he asked.
“Of course,” I said, even though I knew it wouldn’t be.
But he wasn’t going to be coming back.
He lifted a hand and cupped my cheek. I leaned into his palm.
“I’ll miss you,” I said, trying to hold back my tears.
“I’ll miss you too,” he murmured.
This was a goodbye kiss. I could feel the finality in it.
Ben dropped his hand and stepped away, but before he got to the gate, he turned to look back at me.
And his eyes…
I choked back a sob, placing a hand against my chest. His eyes followed the motion.
“If I’ve learned anything,” he said, “it’s that the heart is a miraculous, resilient thing. It’s capable of so much. It can even expand if we give it the chance.”