Totally and Completely Fine(105)

There were times I caught looks from people when I kissed him or held his hand outside of the Cozy. I found that I really didn’t care.

Life was short. So fucking short.

And I was going to enjoy every moment I could.

“I have something for you,” Lena said.

Her hands were behind her back.

At first, I could tell that Ben thought she was talking to me, so his surprise was evident when she pushed a box at him.

“It’s on loan,” she said. “For the play.”

I watched Ben open the box, and then slowly pull out Spencer’s scarf. Lena’s scarf.

“This is…” Ben’s voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “This is very generous.”

He looked like he might cry.

“Thank you,” he said.

“It’s not a big deal,” Lena said. I could tell she was hoping he wouldn’t cry.

“I’ll take very good care of it,” Ben said.

Lena was looking at her feet. Then she looked at me. Then at Ben.

“And I’m learning how to make pizza dough, so if you wanted to come over for pizza sometime, that would be okay,” she said.

Before he could answer, Lena was gone, pulling Eve across the room. She barely had time to wave.

“Wow,” Ben said, looking down at the scarf.

“Wow indeed,” I said, feeling like I was brimming over with happiness.

And I realized that was how time healed.

When you filled it with opportunity and people and love.

I felt so many things at once.

I would always miss my dad. I would always grieve for Spencer.

But my heart was big enough to hold space for them and others. It was like Ben had said—the heart expands.

There was even room in it for me.

Messy, tired, angry, sad, scared, confused, unsure me. I didn’t have to be perfect to be loved. I could just be myself.

And that was totally and completely fine.

Acknowledgments

I’m going to tell you something stunningly obvious.

It is hard to write a book about grief while you are grieving.

This book was a bitch to write.

There were times I didn’t think it would ever get done.

There were times I didn’t think I would ever like it, let alone love it.

There were times I really, really, really wanted to give up.

I didn’t mainly because of two annoyingly persistent and wonderful women.

My agent, Elizabeth Bewley, who has talked me off many a （metaphorical） ledge, and is always on hand to give the exact right pep talk exactly when I need it.

My editor, Shauna Summers, who can see the potential in a story even before I can see it myself—and who never, ever lets me take the easy way out.

I might have cursed your names at times, but always followed with a fervent “thank you.”

I love being a Dell author—having been around the publishing block a few times, I know a good team when I see it, and you are all the absolute tops. Melissa Folds, Taylor Noel, and Mae Martinez—I adore you.

Thank you to everyone at Penguin Random House. Thank you, Kara Welsh, Kim Hovey, Jennifer Hershey, Cara DuBois, Belina Huey, Saige Francis, Meghan O’Leary, Barbara Bachman, and all the other often unseen and talented hands that made this book possible.

I am beyond lucky that so many people judge my books by their covers—because what covers they are! Kasi Turpin for the art, Cassie Vu for the direction. Thank you, thank you!

Thank you to my creative covens for feeding me encouragement and love and, occasionally, tacos. Zan Romanoff, Maurene Goo, Sarah Enni, Doree Shafrir, Kate Spencer, Katie Cotugno, Robin Benway, Falon Ballard, Courtney Kae, Lacie Waldon, Erin La Rosa, Alison Greenberg, Lindsay Grossman, Lauren Airriess, Lauren Cona, and those I might have forgotten because of my mush brain.

Thank you to AAEA: Alice Lawson, Ashley Silver, Eren Joyce, and Allison De Fina. Truly the dream team—making all the things happen.

Thank you, Romancelandia. I love being part of this community—writers and readers and booksellers and everyone. I’ve been reading romance since I was a preteen—when a reader tells me that one of my books introduced them to the genre, there is no higher honor.

Tal and Daphna—I want to eat all the cannolis with you.

For Sally, Maeve, and the OG Lena.

Thank you to Prozac and Wellbutrin and gabapentin. Edibles. My heating pad. So many plants. The Jewish Council Shop on Magnolia. Daily naps. Hummingbirds, birds, and butterflies. Summer hats. The color green. Heirloom seeds. gb. Thai tea with boba. Treasure hunting with Mike. Dole Whips. Vintage cookbooks. Garden centers. That yellow bag that somehow goes with everything. Tiramisu.

To my family. Mom, Adam, and Abra. Amy and Tim. Feivel, my love.

To our house full of pets. Mozzarella, Susannah, and Geordi. My sweet Basil, who I miss every day.

And John.

John.

John.

I love you.