Totally and Completely Fine(101)

I wasn’t going to say anything, but I couldn’t help myself.

“But why does it have to hurt so much?”

Ben gave me a sad smile.

“I don’t mind the pain,” he said. “It reminds me that I still have a heart to break.”

Chapter 55

Now

The notes in front of me—written in my own handwriting—kept swimming in and out of focus. I’d never been a good public speaker. Or speechwriter. Why Gabe had wanted me to do both at his engagement party completely baffled me.

An engagement party that had basically turned into a pre-wedding party, since Gabe and Chani were now getting hitched next week.

Ben had left ten days ago.

I hadn’t heard from him since, nor had I texted or called.

A clean break would be best, I’d decided.

I hadn’t expected it to hurt as much as it did.

Ollie finished speaking to riotous laughter and applause. I don’t know why I’d agreed to go last—whatever I said after Mr. Darcy was going to be a letdown. Chani’s sister had been smart, offering to go first.

“And now, my sister, Lauren, has a few things to say,” Gabe said.

Fuck.

Allyson, who had come as my date, gave me a little nudge when I didn’t move.

“You’ve got this,” she whispered.

I stood, feeling wobbly from my fingers to my knees. Thankfully, it wasn’t a big party, so I didn’t need a microphone, but I still felt the pressure of all these faces—most of them familiar, some not—staring at me.

“Hi, everyone,” I said. “I’m Lauren. Like Gabe said.”

My mouth felt dry. I tightened my grip on my note cards, crinkling them in my hands.

“Gabe is my younger brother,” I said.

Already, I knew this was a bust. I’d literally just repeated what Gabe had said.

“I’ve watched Gabe grow up,” I said. “From his days as a football star.”

Ollie let out a loud snort, which prompted a few titters from the crowd.

“To his college plays and early films, to becoming a big movie star.”

This speech was so boring.

“I don’t know Chani that well,” I said. “But I know that my brother has very good taste, which means that she must be very special.”

Chani smiled and looked at Gabe. He beamed at her; their hands entwined.

I thought about the way it had felt to hold Ben’s hand.

“Also, Gabe is very stubborn,” I said. “It’s a family trait.”

“That’s right, it is,” someone in the crowd shouted out.

Everyone laughed. It was the first laugh my speech had gotten.

“He’s so stubborn that he refused to admit that he’s been in love with Chani for almost ten years now.”

I wished Spencer were here with me.

I wished Ben were here with me.

I lowered my note cards. The speech I’d written was nothing. Just a bunch of hollow words and bad jokes, each an attempt to skim the surface of what love really felt like.

“Falling in love sounds easy, right?” I took a deep breath. “It’s not. It’s work and hardship and tears and pain. The worst thing about love is that you’ll never know what it will look like. And you can never imagine what it will become.”

My hands started to shake, and I began to feel lightheaded. I put a hand to my temple, cool fingers against my hot skin.

“Love is a shape-shifter. It will look different at eighteen than it will at forty than it will at eighty. It will feel different. You don’t fall in love—it isn’t something you trip and tumble over. Love is something you need to hurtle yourself into—something you race toward heart first, even if you don’t know what will happen. Especially if you don’t know what will happen.”

Black spots appeared in front of my eyes. I tried to shake them away.

“And it’s hard work. Because the truth is that life is hard work. Living is hard work. It’s work but it’s also joy and laughter and stupid jokes and good timing and a ton of luck and a thousand other things that you won’t recognize until they’re standing right in front of you. Sometimes you won’t even see it until it’s gone.”

There were confused, worried rumbles from the crowd.

“Lauren?” Gabe stood.

“I’m fine,” I said, waving a hand. “I’m just so happy for you two.”

“Lauren,” Gabe said again, and that’s when I realized I was crying.

“I’m just really happy,” I blubbered. “That’s all. These are happy tears.”

They clearly weren’t.

Gabe stepped toward me, arms out, but I pulled away from them. This was humiliating, but I couldn’t stop weeping. Snot was coming out of my nose. I could barely see through the tears.

“Oh god,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”

I ran out of the room.

I fled to Mom’s basement. I didn’t know why. I hadn’t been there in years—no one had—it was probably full of spiders.

The old couch was still there, and it still squeaked when I sat down.

That reminded me of Spencer.

Because everything reminded me of Spencer.

And Ben.

And being alone.