Totally and Completely Fine(90)

“What?”

“You are crazy,” Lena said.

“Yeah!” Eve breathed.

“I mean, technically, spelunking is exploring caves, but you can definitely parachute into them. As long as they’re not bottomless pits.”

“Anyone want any more spaghetti?” I asked.

“Yes, please,” Ben said, holding out his plate.

It was the third time I’d refilled it.

“What were you saying about bottomless pits?” I asked.

He grinned. “Can you blame me?” He looked at the girls. “This is the best meal I’ve had since I got here.”

Eve beamed like he’d complimented her cooking, while Lena looked down at the table, a small grin on her face.

I leaned back, watching it all.

It was nice.

Really nice.

Ben wasn’t Spencer.

I knew that. And still.

There had been times, when I’d just been chattering on about something, some never-ending monologue about the cheap new plastic bags at the grocery store, or wool prices, or whatever, and I’d look up to find Spencer looking at me.

Not just looking. Staring.

It had made me uncomfortable at first because it was so intense, and I didn’t know what to do with a look like that.

A look that said I am madly, hopelessly in love with you.

He never stopped looking at me like that.

Now, across the table, Ben was giving me a similar look.

Not as intense as Spencer’s had been, but what he was thinking was clear as day.

I like you. I like you a lot.

Maybe this could work out.

“Dessert?” I said once dinner was done. “Do you even have room for more?” I asked Ben.

“I always have room for dessert,” he said.

“Me too!” said Eve.

Lena nodded.

“Chocolate mousse, coming right up,” I said.

Ben rose from his seat. “Can I help?”

“It’s basically all done,” I said. “Just have to put it in bowls.”

“Okay,” he said. “But we’re doing the dishes.”

“Sounds like a deal,” I said.

The quiet of the kitchen only made my thoughts louder. Bolder.

What if I gave it a try with Ben? A real try, not sneaking off to his place after hours or meeting in parking lots to go on dates. What if we went out here, in Cooper? Where everyone could see us?

What if he was here, in my kitchen in the mornings?

In my bed at night.

My hands trembled a little as I spooned the mousse into glass cups and added a few pinches of salt.

“Stop,” I told them.

Ben and the girls were in the middle of a conversation when I returned.

“Thank you,” Ben said, taking the chocolate mousse, before turning back to Lena. “I actually never told her.”

“Told her what?” I asked.

“We’re talking about coming out,” Ben said. “And I was telling them that I never came out to my mom. I was fourteen when she died.”

“I’m sorry,” Eve said. “About your mom.”

“Thanks,” Ben said. “I like to think she knew, but I don’t think I really knew at that point. I mean, I knew, but I didn’t know-know, if that makes sense.”

Lena nodded emphatically.

“My mom said that she knew,” Eve said. “But I think she just thought she was being cool. My dad gave me a high five.”

Ben laughed. “A high five is a pretty good reaction. When I told my father, he pretended he hadn’t heard me, and we haven’t spoken about it since.”

Lena was looking down at her plate. She’d never get a chance to tell Spencer.

“What about you?” Ben asked me. “When did you come out as straight?”

I smiled. “The minute I saw Fox Mulder in his little red Speedo.”

“Ew, Mom, gross,” Lena said.

Ben took a bite of chocolate mousse and groaned. “Oh my god,” he said. “This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

I flushed with pride.

“It’s really good, Mom,” Lena said.

“So good!” Eve said. Her bowl was already empty.

I went to get her a second helping, and was about to head back into the dining room, when I heard Lena talking to Ben.

“My dad died when I was ten,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said. “It sucks to lose a parent. Do you want to talk about him?”

I held my breath and the chocolate mousse. There wasn’t an audible response.

“It’s okay,” Ben said. “If you ever feel like it, you can come talk to me. I don’t know exactly what it’s like for you, but I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.”

“Thanks,” I heard her small voice say.

My heart squeezed. I loved her so much.

I pushed through the door, announcing myself. “Another chocolate mousse for our guest,” I said, setting it down in front of Eve.

“Thanks, Mrs. P!” she said.

“When did you come out to your friends?” Lena asked.

Ben thought about it, his fingers tapping against his chin like some queer Yoda.

“I think they knew when I started kissing boys in front of them,” he said.