Totally and Completely Fine(95)

“Now I can,” he echoed.

We sat there, both of us staring at a plain white wall.

I grabbed onto the only glimmer of hope.

“Well,” I said. “L.A. isn’t that far.”

Ben dropped his head. “Production is in Australia,” he said. “They want me to move there. Four years at least.”

“Oh.”

“It’s a little bit farther than L.A.,” he said.

And that was that. He didn’t have to say it—this wasn’t going to work.

I tried for lightness. “I’ve heard the skydiving there is amazing.”

He didn’t say anything. I reached over and took his hand. Gave it a squeeze.

“You were the smart one,” Ben said.

“Me?”

He had turned to face me.

“I should have listened,” he said. “When you told me this was complicated.”

For once in my life, I hated being right.

I should have been prepared for this. Instead, I’d been stupidly falling for him.

Now I was about to be left behind. Again.

It wasn’t the same, of course. But loneliness piled on top of loneliness is a heavy burden. And I’d walked right into this one.

I’d done this to myself.

I wanted to cry.

“Well,” I said. “I guess tonight is our last date.”

“Guess so.” The smile he gave me was wry and sad.

At least I wasn’t alone in that.

“What would you like to do?” he asked. “Feels like we should do something special.”

I thought about it.

“I know the perfect thing,” I said.

“Yeah?”

“Take me for a ride, Ben.”

Chapter 51

Now

I’d never been on a motorcycle before. Especially not at night. My heart pounded as I climbed onto the back behind Ben, my helmet firmly in place.

“Just hold on to me,” he said.

There was no question about that. I wrapped my arms around him and leaned into his warmth. The bike sputtered to a start beneath us, and the intensity of the vibration was a little too much at first, but then everything settled—the bike, my shoulders, my stomach.

“Ready?” Ben asked.

“Ready,” I said, even though I wasn’t.

I didn’t think I’d ever be ready.

Story of my life.

A shriek of surprise flew out of me as we took off.

“Oh my god,” I said.

“You okay?”

I could barely hear him over the wind. “I’m okay.”

I didn’t know if he heard me, but no doubt he could tell by the way I pressed my front against his back that I was still on the bike.

My head felt huge and unwieldy in the helmet, but somehow, I managed to rest part of it on his shoulder—or near his shoulder. From behind the visor, I could see Cooper flying by me—nothing more than a blur of lights at this speed.

I’d given him directions to a place outside of town that was known for good stargazing. Of course, the sky was cloudy tonight, so chances were low that anyone else would be there. We’d have the field to ourselves—all that openness.

I was grateful for the helmet—not just for the protection but for how it hid my tears. It wasn’t until we were already on the road that I allowed them to fall, wet trails running down the sides of my face.

How could I have been so foolish? I’d known that this was a bad idea from the beginning, but I’d allowed myself to be convinced—by Ben’s eyes, his kiss, my own stupidity—that I could handle it. That I’d be fine.

I wasn’t fine.

I wanted to howl into the night, scream about how unfair it all was. How cruel the universe was to bring me this man when I couldn’t keep him.

It had taken me so long to admit my feelings for Spencer—I’d kept it from myself, worried I’d get hurt. Now, I was worried that I hadn’t learned anything at all. That I was too late.

I was going to hurt no matter what.

My tears were dry by the time we reached the field.

Ben helped me off the bike, and we left our helmets propped up on the seat. There was a bag attached to the back. Ben pulled a blanket out of it and laid it down.

It was still cold at night, but snuggled up next to Ben on the blanket, I barely felt the chill.

“I really thought we’d have more time,” he said.

“Shhh,” I said. “Let’s just enjoy this.”

He nodded, and I rested my head against him. I couldn’t see any stars, but I didn’t mind.

It was just us. Nothing—no one—else around.

Sitting up on my knees, I turned to Ben, who pushed himself up to his elbows. Before I could second-guess myself, I took his face in my hands and kissed him. With intent. With tongue.

He groaned, and I began pulling his shirt from his pants.

A hand stilled mine.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Something that scares me,” I said.

This time when I went for his belt, he didn’t stop me.

Instead, he flipped me onto my back, with him on his knees, my thighs pressed against them. With one hand, he reached for the collar of his shirt and pulled the whole thing off in one fluid movement that was far sexier than it should have been.