Totally and Completely Fine(91)

I could see the shock in both girls’ eyes.

“But you can come out whenever you want,” he said. “It’s your choice who you tell and when you tell.”

“What if you don’t like keeping secrets?” Eve asked.

The two girls exchanged a look, and it was clear this was something they had been talking about.

“It’s not a secret,” Lena said. “It’s just personal.”

“It’s part of who we are,” Eve countered. “Don’t people deserve to know that?”

“Not everyone is going to react like your parents,” Lena said. “Or my mom.”

“Who are you afraid of?” Eve asked.

“My grandmother won’t be pleased,” Lena said.

That was an understatement.

Eve looked confused. “I thought your grandmother already knew.”

“Not that grandmother,” Lena said. “The bad one.”

I bit my lip to keep a laugh back. It was hard to feel sorry for Diana—that’s what happened when you were a bigot—a gay granddaughter who wanted nothing to do with you. Actions. Consequences.

Eve crossed her arms and leaned back.

“I just think it’s cowardly.”

Lena frowned.

“Don’t you regret not telling your mom?” Eve asked Ben.

He shook his head.

“Regrets are tricky. Because once you start picking apart your life like that, wondering what could have been, you start to realize that everything you have now would be different. And I don’t regret where I’ve ended up.”

The way he said it, how he glanced my way as he spoke, felt like he was talking specifically about being here with me. With us. I blushed.

Neither girl noticed because they were staring at him, rapt.

I couldn’t blame them—they weren’t used to this kind of honest, raw emotion. This nakedness of feeling. Neither was I.

“If I regret anything with my mom it’s that I didn’t tell her I loved her enough,” he said. “Then again, I don’t know if there’s such a thing as enough when it comes to saying that.”

Lena was looking at him almost as if she were seeing him for the first time.

“I’m lucky,” Ben said. “My life is full of people that I love. Who love me.” He took a bite of mousse. “And you’re lucky too. Because you’re part of a community—a family. Being queer is a gift. I would have figured that out earlier but I didn’t know many gay people when I was your age, and that sucked. But you guys.” He smiled. “You have two queer elders at your beck and call.”

“I don’t think Ollie would appreciate being called an elder,” I said.

Ben grinned. “Well, he is whether he claims the title or not,” he said. “We’re all part of something larger—of all those who came before us.”

Everyone seemed to absorb that as we finished our mousse. The girls helped Ben in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes and wiping down the counters.

“We’re going to my room,” Lena said.

“Door open,” I reminded her.

She rolled her eyes.

“Thanks for your help, Ben!” Eve said.

“You’re going to kill it at that audition,” Ben said. “And you better come to the theatre right after and tell me all about it.”

“Okay!” Eve said, and flung her arms around him in a hug.

“Yeah, thanks,” Lena said.

“Anytime,” Ben said. “And hey, if you call Ollie a queer elder the next time you see him, I’ll take you spelunking.”

“You will not,” I said.

“Okay, I’ll buy you an ice cream.”

Lena smiled. Small, but it was there.

“Okay,” she said.

He wasn’t going to get a hug, but I didn’t think he was expecting one.

“Have a good night.” He waved to the girls as they headed upstairs.

Then it was just the two of us.

“This was nice,” I said.

“They’re such great kids,” he said.

“Want to sit on the porch?” I asked.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

* * *

—

It was wonderful out. I could smell the lilacs in the air. It was the best time to be in Montana—spring always made me love Cooper, which was helpful after the usual hateful winter.

“That chocolate mousse was incredible,” Ben said. “Life-changing.”

“The secret is sea salt,” I said.

“Right, your mastery in seasoning.”

I smiled. “PhD.”

“Forgive me, doctor.”

We were sitting on the front stoop, legs pressed together. Without saying anything, Ben reached over, and took my hand.

“You look beautiful tonight,” he said.

I raised an eyebrow. “You like women covered in sauce and butter?”

“More than you know.”

I smiled.

“I wasn’t kidding,” he said. “Before, about the whole home-cooked meal thing. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had one, let alone one that good.”

“If I’m good for anything…” I said.