I set the vase in the center of the table. 揥hen did you get so bossy, Mom??
She grins at me, her lashes non-existent. 揥hen you抮e dying, you don抰 have the time to be any other way.?
I swallow past the sudden lump in my throat. Clearing it, I say, 揜ight. I抣l pack your bag and we抣l head out.?
揝alem??She calls after me before I can leave the kitchen.
揧eah??I pause, turning to look back at her.
揑 know厰 She wets her dry lips with a swipe of her tongue. 揑 know I didn抰 let myself love again, after your dad, but promise me you won抰 close your heart off forever? If there抯 anything we all deserve in this world it抯 to love and be loved.?
My mouth twitches as I hold back tears. 揑 promise.?
I抦 not sure how easy of a promise it抣l be to keep, but I抣l try, if only for her sake.
CHAPTER 14
SALEM
We pull up outside the brownstone, the car barely in park when the door opens. I expect it to be Seda, but instead it抯 Caleb. He walks down the steps, through the front gate, heading straight for my mom抯 door on the passenger side.
揂llie,?he says, smiling at her. 揑t抯 so good to see you.?
She pats his cheek. 揑t抯 always nice to see you too.?
揇o you need some help??
揑抣l never turn down help from such a fine gentleman,?she jokes.
He chuckles, helping her with the seatbelt and out onto the street. Since he has her under his care, I hop out and grab her bag. I didn抰 bother packing a bag for myself since I have everything I need here.
Caleb helps her inside with me following behind.
揥here抯 Seda??I ask.
He chuckles, looking back at me over his shoulder. 揃elieve it or not, passed out napping. She went to the trampoline park with Maddy,?he mentions one of her good friends, 揳nd came back exhausted.?
揝weet girl,?my mom croons. 揑 can抰 wait to see her.?
Caleb looks back at me, worry in his eyes. Worry for me and worry for her. He knows that losing my mom is going to be hard on me. It doesn't matter how far you know in advance, losing a parent isn't easy. She's been my rock and my sounding board. She's gotten me through some of the hardest times of my life. And now when I wish I could repay the favor more than anything, I can't, because nothing can overcome death.
Caleb settles her on the couch in the family room.
揅an I get you anything to drink??He asks her.
揗aybe just some water.?
He smiles and passes her a blanket. 揗ake yourself comfortable and I'll be back with your water.?
Caleb leaves and I help her lay down. Wrapping the blanket around her, I prop her legs up with a pillow beneath. 揂re you tired??
揂 little,?she admits reluctantly.
揓ust rest.?I kiss her forehead and back away.
In the kitchen, I lean my hip against the counter watching Caleb fill up the cup with ice and then water.
揌ow抯 she doing? For real梟o sugarcoating things.?
I sigh, running my fingers through my hair. 揝he has good days and bad days. I feel so helpless, Caleb. It's like watching the sand in an hourglass and I know at some point the sand is going to run out. And when it happens, I'm going to lose my mom. And I just,?I pause, catching my breath. Feeling the tears burn my eyes. 揑 don't know how to live life without her.?
揅ome here.?He flicks his fingers, pulling me into the safe embrace of his arms.
I lay my head on his chest, his fingers gently combing through my hair. I can't stop it when the tears come, soaking into the cotton of his t-shirt.
揑t抯 okay,?he croons, continuing with the gentle strokes of his fingers through my hair. 揓ust cry. I抳e got you.?And I know he does. He always has. Caleb is my rock, my safe place. 揧ou抮e strong,?he reminds me, 揵ut even strong people need to cry now and then.?His arms are tight against me, holding me together.
揥hy are you so good to me??I only cry harder at the question. Caleb should hate me. He should be pushing me away instead of pulling me into his arms. But he's so good. He's not the kind of person that will shove you away just because you broke his heart. I know that there's someone out there for him. It's not that I'm bad for him, but I'm not good enough for him. And that thought makes me cry a little harder. I'm not deserving of him. Even though I might have asked for the divorce. Even though I'm the one walking away from him. I still love him and a part of me always will.
揃ecause,?his voice rumbles against my ear where the side of my head is pressed firmly to his chest, 搚ou抮e a better person than you think you are.?
揅aleb棓 I pull away from his chest slightly, angling my head back to look up at him.
He playfully covers my mouth. 揇on抰 say whatever it is you抮e about to say.?
When he lets his hand drop, I ask, 揥hy don抰 you hate me??
He cocks his head to the side, eyes narrowed. 揥hy do you hate yourself??
His question is like a bullet to the heart, one I抳e never stopped to contemplate.
揑棓
Lowering his head, he whispers, 揑 forgive you, Salem. It抯 you who has to forgive yourself.?
Picking up the glass of water, he retreats from the kitchen. I cover my face with my hands, knowing he抯 right.
There are so many things I haven抰 forgiven myself for. I drag those things along behind me everywhere I go like deadweight I can抰 seem to shake. Because of his question, I realize I抦 the only one holding those things over my head. Not him, he never did, and if Caleb can forgive me, surely, I can find a way to forgive myself.
Taking a deep breath, I steady myself and brace my shoulders.
My mom settles into the guest bed, her eyes heavy from exhaustion.
After she woke up from her nap, and Seda too, she played with her granddaughter until dinner time. Caleb ended up picking up food from one of our favorite restaurants since neither of us felt like cooking. I wasn抰 surprised when my mom picked at her food, hardly any of it making it into her mouth. Her body is giving up on her梖rankly, I think it gave up on her a long time ago, and it抯 been her sheer tenacity and will to live that has kept her going.
揟his was nice,?she yawns, her eyelids growing heavy. 揟hank you for bringing me. I love that little girl so much.?
I brush my hand over her forehead like I抦 comforting a child. 揝he loves you too.?
揧ou抮e a great mom. I didn抰 do a lot of things right in my life棓
揗om棓
揕et me finish.?Her breath is rough, her hand shaky when she reaches up to touch my cheek. 揃ut you girls ?you turned out amazing, despite my mistakes.?
I close my eyes, feeling tears leak through my lashes.
揑抦 sorry,?she whispers, her fingers feather light on my cheek.
Clearing my throat, I say, 揑 am too.?Lowering her hand, she yawns. 揋o to sleep, Mom. I love you.?I kiss her forehead just like I do Seda抯 when I tuck her into bed, flicking the light off beside the bed.
Easing the door shut behind me, I creep down the stairs and fix up the couch to sleep on. We only have the one guestroom, and I wasn抰 about to make my mom sleep on the couch all night. The nap was bad enough.
I brush my teeth in the bathroom downstairs and change into my pajamas. Padding into kitchen I抦 surprised to find Caleb there, sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of fruit.
揑 thought you went to bed.?
He shakes his head, picking up a piece of watermelon. 揘ah, I have a lot on my mind.?
揥ork??I probe, opening the fridge to swipe a can of Diet Coke.
He nods. 揟his case is taking a lot out of me.?
揑抦 sorry.?He抯 not allowed to talk about cases with me or else I抎 ask him if he wants to talk about it. Instead, I say, 揇o you want me to stay up with you??